My Miscarriage Story
In July of 2021, I lost my second child. This child is was my first child with my husband. It was a child I dreamed of. It is a child that one day, I will meet again. Below are some posts and updates from my miscarriage. This is here as a place to always go back to but also share with others.
You aren't alone. This is something to talk about. If you need to share, please do.
This is the post I made a couple of days after my miscarriage.
We need to be real on social media right? It's not just a highlight reel...right?
Well this is real.
& it's not the post I wanted to make.
Two weeks ago, Brandon and I found out we were four weeks pregnant after trying for a little longer than we expected. We went ahead and shared with close family and friends. We were excited and started planning even though many say not to early in a pregnancy. Our plan was to announce after my 8 week appointment on July 30. We were going to share the news of our precious Baby Davis- our little answered prayer.
Sunday, July 18, I experienced a spontaneous miscarriage. It was the longest and hardest experience to only be one day. The doctor explained that most women wouldn't even know it was a miscarriage. But I did.
I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm confused. I think I've cried more these past couple of days more than I have in my life. I know I was still early but I loved that sweet baby and I celebrated it fully. I don't understand God's plan...at all. & I'm sorry if you feel like I should be strong and steady in it since I'm a believer because, well I'm not strong in it. I've wanted to run from it yet in the moments when I am weeping and screaming, I have my worship music blaring. I'm not strong and steady but thankfully, I don't have to be. I know it will all be okay and I know that my baby is okay. I just wish I was able to hold that little one in my arms. God answered my prayer that I prayed all day on Sunday, that my baby would be okay. I am not okay though and as I hold my baby girl that is on earth, I grieve my baby that is in Heaven.
The only beautiful hope I have right now is that my Savior is waiting on me and right behind Him is my mother-in-love holding my sweet baby beside my grandmother waiting to embrace me. Before Ellen died she told my SIL's that she just wanted to take care of the babies in Heaven whose mommy's and daddy's weren't there yet. There's no one better to take care of my baby. Ellen wanted to see Brandons baby so bad and now she's holding it tight...and I'm a bit jealous. ❤️
This photo was taken a week after we found out we were pregnant and a week before we lost our child. It was our two year wedding anniversary.
July 12, 2021
I made this post on July 30, 2021.
Today was the day we were going to post that we were pregnant. I was supposed to see my healthy baby on an ultrasound and have a precious picture of a "little bean." Instead, I had my one ultrasound that showed no baby. I had no pictures of my baby and didn't even get a picture of the three of us with my baby belly.
I've really struggled with the why.
Why did my baby have to die?
Why did I have to wait six hours...three of those with fear, tears and frustration then three filled with hope when they said my test was positive only to have it crushed when they did the ultrasound and there was no baby?
Was it something I did or didn't do?
I'm so confused and I was fighting for my why. I was fighting hard. I would shut people out because I felt so angry and confused but then would try to bring them back in. The guilt was unbearable to face.
My best friend understood. She went through the same thing (like literally almost same thing) two years ago. She's a control freak like me so she knew I was battling. She told me what her doctor said and I'm going to paraphrase it: Every pregnancy is such a gift and every detail has to align for that baby to make it. If one thing is off then everything is off. I also had an amazing lady tell me that her doctor said: This is happens often and it's how God designed healthy babies and we want healthy babies.
Those statements hurt but honestly, they brought peace as well. I don't understand why still. I don't understand why there was so much hope ripped away. One thing I do know though is that I didn't want my baby to suffer and I have to believe that even though I was shattered, my baby went safely to Jesus. When I posted about my miscarriage, a girl commented and said "Aside from the arms of Jesus, your baby spent it's life in the safest place it'll ever know." & that brought so much peace. I still don't understand why. I still battle that it was my fault and I did something to hurt my baby but I also am remembering that this world is broken. Bad things happen. Things happen that don't make sense.
BUT...this isn't my home. Even though I battle flesh and earth in my thoughts and actions, I rest in His peace and truth.
Thank you to everyone that has commented, called, given things and texted me. I have saved almost every message. I have made notes of everything given. I have replied to every one of you. I'm so thankful. I'm thankful to have people love me and know that God is within my story and will bring beauty from ash. There is a front row seat for us all on what God will do. Some of you have seen that already in your own life. I'm so happy for you. Thank you to everyone that shared that they went through this. That was strong and courageous. I'm not alone and other women aren't as well. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages. As I have moved forward, I know that life is still beautiful. I haven't moved on, I never will, but I continue to move forward in every step. God is faithful. God is good. God is present. & a shoutout to my best friend in the world who has loved me through it. The one who held me tight as I pushed away. The one that kept me laughing even if I wanted to wallow in tears. God picked him out specifically for me. I'm so thankful for my love.
9 weeks after my miscarriage...
I lost my baby 9 and a half weeks ago. I would have had a 15 week old baby growing in my tummy. He/She would have been as big as an orange. I would have been showing- I'm sure of it. I had planned to take small bump pictures while here even though maternity portraits would be later on. I would be so close to knowing the gender and sharing our little ones name.
But I, as well as you, know that's not what is happening.
Instead, I'm struggling to lose weight. I'm struggling to desire good health. I'm trying to grieve. I'm not wanting to heal. This week has been an amazing distraction but real life is waiting for me at home where I will be reminded as I look at my shadow box that my child will never be in my arms earth side.
Grief is a funny and harsh thing. There is no true time table. There are good days and bad. Most people probably wouldn't know the battle in my mind that I am constantly facing, but I always do. Everyone grieves differently. You think you conquer a stage then it comes back to hit you. You get quiet. You get sad. You get frustrated. You cry out of nowhere and your heart aches. It's something you wouldn't wish on anyone but so many people experience.
It's okay if your grief looks differently than others- it's supposed to. It's okay if you still feel at square one because you're most likely not. It's okay to hurt but it's not okay to not heal. & let me tell you, I struggle with that. I don't want to heal because I don't want to ever not think of my child. I literally told my friend about a week ago that I didn't want to heal. But that's not how it is. Healing doesn't mean the wound is gone. You still see/feel it but healing is mending the wound. I will heal and my baby will still never be forgotten. I will heal but my baby will never be replaced. I will heal but grief might still come up when I least expect it. I will heal and God will bring me my next child but I will still always desire the one that I lost.
If you are in the throes of grief, know you're not alone. Please know that there is no time table. Please know that God is holding you tight. He is THE good God. He is not a shifting God. He is present and brings light.
God brought this verse when we were trying for a baby and I was struggling with the process. God kept it close to my heart when I lost my baby. & God is reminding me of it as I grieve.
❤️ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)
Due Date Post...March 14, 2022
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
The verse above is what I always prayed over our time of waiting, having you & now after you are gone. It's the verse I speak over you as my child. Today was the day I was most likely going to meet you face to face. I had dreamt for so long. Sadly, today came and it was just another reminder of the moments/memories that I won't have with you. I never saw your face...I never even saw you. You didn't have a name but you are engraved on my heart forever. There is a piece that is always missing. You were not forgotten. There isn't a day that goes by where I do not think of you. I know others forget & don't get it. I know people think it's silly but I grieve so deeply for you. I was told “It wasn’t His plan for you to be pregnant right now and "If I didn't lose that baby I wouldn't have xxxx" more times than I could count. & while I understand peoples heart, they broke me more. God did design me specifically to be YOUR mama (along with my other two) but this world is broken & so God allowed me to lose you but He didn't leave me lost in ash but to grow in beauty. & while I'm so thankful for Warren, he will never replace you. I will always dream of life with you three. 🤍💙💓
I miss you sweet baby & mommy loves you more than you know. You've taught me so many things I didn’t know I needed to learn. You strengthened my marriage, motherhood and made me a better person. You showed me that God isn't over my emotions, He's always remembering me and welcoming me through my grief. & I will continue to cry out the song “Jireh” as I did the day I lost you. I really wish I were holding you today but I know Nana is. She dreamed of your daddies babies & was so broken she wouldn't meet them on this earth BUT she also went to Heaven saying she wanted to take care of the babies who didn't have their mommies and daddies with them. We never knew one of those babies would be our first but we do know that when you aren't hugging Jesus, Nana is holding your hand or holding you tight. I love you, sweet one. Mommy will always love you.
A part of healing...
A few months afteer my miscarriage, I was able to share with a group of women a vision I had for those who have been in my situation but are on a different side. These women were able to give me and others hope as they shared their rainbow baby and joy after the storm.
Brandon Warren
My sweet Warren! He is my rainbow baby. He is so much of what I prayed for from the red hair to the way he looks like his daddy. I still dream and think of his big sibling in Heaven but oh what a gift he is! He is such a reminder that GOD KEEPS HIS PROMISES.