Turning on the Light (Bethany Downs)

A piece of my testimony is my experience in a toxic relationship. I personally feel like the sting of toxic relationships has worn off in our society. We hear the words “toxic” or “narcissist” and look the other way. It’s hard to digest someone’s trauma when you haven’t taken the time to heal your own - I’ll just leave that there for a moment. 

The particular piece of my story with a toxic relationship includes me being manipulated into isolation & darkness for just over 5 years. 

I wasn’t allowed to have friends, because they would see his character. I was monitored day & night while his phone was locked. I was confusing yelling & anger for passion. I was being broken in every aspect - mind, body, & soul - I was suicidal. I remember the day I told my sister and my mother that I needed out of the relationship because I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I messaged them secretly as I was trapped in his car while he yelled at me. I had tears streaming down my face as I felt numb inside. My mother called my doctor and the university I was attending. I began counseling for suicide prevention, and consuming antidepressants. 

I smiled my way through every session, while my partner would use it all against me. If I ever had a disagreeable opinion, tried to address his actions, or began crying - he would ask, “Did you take your meds?” 

The problem was always me - he never took accountability. I was never safe to share my feelings. 

I stayed in this cycle and prayed to God for an anchor every time I felt like driving my car off the road into a tree. I prayed to God for a miracle. 

Something shifted in me to cry out to God in desperation. I didn’t have friends to guide me, but I did have the church. I started doing more with my church. I began attending a small group that studied God’s word from the beginning of the Bible to the end. I sat in a room with a pastor and elders of the church that opened my perspective to the Word. Eventually, I joined another small group with families. I was surrounded by their behaviors and perspectives on Godly relationships - this was a pivotal moment for me. I knew there was another way. I knew there was more to life than the yelling and fear. I knew there was more joy and love because of God - He gave me the strength to leave that relationship. I sat down and wrote a pros & cons list for my relationship. The pros list was five lines while the cons list was 3 pages. I met with him in an open location at a coffee shop to where there would be witnesses. I gave him the lists and ended our relationship. I told my family that I needed their support to never go back into that relationship. 

The strength didn’t end there. It took effort to not contact him when I felt lonely. It took effort to remind myself to choose God and his people over another toxic relationship. It took effort to renew my mind in every aspect of life. There is always a choice to realign your life to God. It doesn’t happen instantly - it happens gradually.

Eventually, I surrounded myself with people who reflected the image of Christ. I chose the relationships that bring death to life. I chose the relationships that followed the Light of Christ. This part of my story has shown me that no matter how dark life seems to get - you can always turn on the Light.

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A little bit about Bethany...

I grew up in Limestone County, Alabama, surrounded by a large and loving blended family. My life is a testimony of God’s faithfulness, woven through every season. In 2018, I moved to Nashville and found a home at The Belonging Company (TBCo), where I’ve had the joy of serving others. I love reading, and spending quality time with friends. I am completing my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy, with a deep hope of fostering healing and revival within families.